BLAH! I JUST DONT KNOW ANY MORE....IM SO CONFUSED ON WHY IM SO STUCK ON HIM....I TRUELY HONESTLY THINK ITS CAUSE HE DOESNT GIVE ME THAT ATTENTION.....THAT FEELIN OF LOVE? JUST THAT HE SEEMS LIKE HES JUST WHATEVERS WITH ME..LIKE HES FEELING ARE WHATEVERS ABOUT ME AND STUFF.....I GUESS ITS A CHALLENGE IN SOME WAYS AT THE SAME TIME IT AINT CUZ IM HURTIN INSIDE TRYIN TO HAVE HIM ACCPEPT ME ALREADY....TO JUST HAVE HIS FULL ON ATTENTION ON ME....CAUSE I KNOW I GIVE THAT TO HIM...I'VE DROPPED EVERYTHING FOR HIM...MY SOCIAL LIFES ALL DOWN HILL BUT I'VE TOLD MYSELF TODAY NO MORE....IMMA BE HITTIN UP EVERYONE MORE OFTER TO JUST CHILL......AND WHATEVERS IMMA STILL BE WITH HIM N WHAT NOTS ITS JUST NOT FAIR THAT I'VE BEEN M.I.A WID ALL MY HOMIES WHILE HE STILL HAS HIS EVERYDAY! THAT HE SEES MORE THEN ME! ACK OKOK.....IVE TOLD HIM ALREADY THE OTHER DAY THAT IMMA KICK BACK LET HIM DO HIM AND GO OUT...WHILE ILL BE THE SIDELINE G/F AND JUST BE THERE WHEN HE WANTS ME TOO AND LET HIM BE WHEN HE AINT THERE....I GAVE THAT TO HIM......TOLD HIM STRAIGHT UP WHEN HE WANTS TO CHILL THEN HIT ME UP I JUST WON'T EXPECT TO THINK HE'LL ALWAYS BE HOME.....::SIGH::: I KNOW IM AN IDIOT....I JUST DONT KNOW.... IVE ALWAYS BEEN THE STRONG INDEPENDENT GIRL WHO SAYS "FUCK BOYS IMMA DO ME" AND THEY CAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT....MAYB THE ROLE HAS BEEN REVERSED.....I REALLY DONT KNOW.....IMMA JUST WAIT TO SEE WHERE IT GOES FROM HERE.....I JUST DONT THINK I'VE BEEN SO HURT?MAD?SAD? SO MUCH IN SUCH A SHORT TIME PERIOD..... DONT GET ME WRONG....I CARE FOR HIM DEARLY.....WERE SO GREAT WHEN WERE JUST TOGETHER WITH NO BULLSHIT AND I LOVE IT.... WHEN HE DOES HAVE HES ATTENTION ON ME HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL....JUST THE SIMPLE THINGS HE DOES.....WHEN I CATCH HIM LOOKIN AT ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL....OR THE LOOK HE JUST GIVES ME ACROSS THE ROOM....THE LITTLE KISSES ON THE NECK OR BACK.... OUR PLAY FIGHTS.......ALL THE GOOD TIMES.....I WOULDNT CHANGE NONE OF IT....I JUST WISH WE HAD MORE OF IT.....I WISH IT WAS HOW IT WAS A MONTH AGO.....ACK.......TIME TO STOP BLABBIN OFF ABOUT NOTHING.......OUTROZ FOR NOW!!

wells......to make it plain and simple me and kris got "ok" over the weekend....i went down to see him saturday we went to go eat and and rented movies....then on sunday i came back down again.....dont forget its me consistantly goin down to him! before he was in buena park and i was there almost everyday with work and all in the mornin! but now hes in diamond bar for awhile which aint so bad.... but anways on sunday we chilled at his house wid harry,john,and minnie we just ordered pizza and rented this dumb scry movie....for the first half i was outside talkin to JENNY! my love....just about all of our troubles wid our booboo headed b/fs and about massive! and in the middle of my convo my sis called askin if i had seen gidget one of our chihuahuas and i told her no....and i think i saw him in the mornin so we hung up and i didnt think much of it....then i got off the phone wid jenny a lil bit after and went back in....and in kris pad there is NO reception none whats so ever so i hove to go outside and shit to make calls and what nots or be lucky to find an area with reception in da pad...but we all finished watchin the movie and shit chilled then me n kris went upstairs but i was tryin to call my family n shit to see if they found gidget or not.....and with no reception and all that it got me aggravated and when i got to kris room i recieved 2 msgs from my house pagin me to call them back and i kept callin everyones cell phone but i finally called the house and my sister told me our dog got shot down the street.....damn.....i was honestly in shock.....i left kris pad so mad i drove home goin 110 120 all the way not givin a fuck....when i got home i asked where was the body she told down by the stop sign..barely 30 40 ft away.....so fucked up...gidget wasnt ur average size chihuahua....its much smaller then normal ones....so who in gods name would shot it...honestly....i wanna go door to door and ask....but im afraid what i would doi if i found out....im so sick and tired of all of it.....::sigh::i just dont know anymore.....and to top it off kris got me heated!!! last night...fucken he hits me up around 10ish sayin hes gonna come down and shit and i was all like aWwWw thats swt rah?!?!?.....so he calls again at 11pm sayin hes gonna come down rah now or some shit and that he'll call me so im like ok...im sittin around watchin tv it get to 1145....and im like ok mayb hes just being a slow driver and what nots.....then 1215....calls me....like "hey what u doin?" im like uHhHh chillin wathing tv....and im like " what u doin?" and hes all im in my car..." so im thinkin hes in his car just pullin up to my pad....and then he like get quite and says hey so is it cool if i still come down or is it to late?....WHOA at that point i blew up! i was like i thut u were alrady on ur way! and hes all well jimmy and so and so came by...and i was like WDF did u call them over and hes all ya earlier i did but they finally came down when i was getttin ready to leave.. i just smoked  jimmy and so and so out and got my money back....and i was like Why the fuck are u gonna tell me ur on ur way to my pad and know that ur friends are still on there way and hes all i called them earlier to come by.....so i was like therefore u knew they were gonna come by so u knew u werent gonna leave ur pad til u saw them so y offer to come here and have me wait on u while ur fuckin out with ur friends..and he couldnt say shit and he said if it was still cool to come by and i was like im tried imma knock out....and hung up......not once did he ever say sorry ever! and its so fucked up that he doesnt when he fucks up....he just thinks that its ok to fuck up and shrugs it off.....but i really dont know how much longer i can handle him not treatin me right.. seriously.....last week he was with his friends all fucken day n night when i needed him the most and hes doin it agen this week!...LIKE WDF!!! pissin me off soo much....i just dont even know.....

 BLAH! fuck.....so much shits on my mind...its drivin me insane.....i swear i had it all thut out earlier....all my thuts and shit and now i dont even know where to begin with all the BS goin on!!! seriously i just dont know anymore.....this years started horrible!! then got GREAT! and back to horrible...ive lost my best friend..my brother..my savior....and it sucks i dont even know who to run to anymore....i do miss him incredibly and in times like thesei wish he was there to hold me and tell me its ok yannoes? i member those days were i was so down and he was just lay next time me and make it all better again....i know ppl are thinkin WDF were u guys together or wah....and no! it was never like that....he was like my gay best friend who wasnt gay at all! =/ i dunnoz......but i came to realize he never truely loved me like i thut he would.....i guess the only men in my life that will never hurt me is my daddy and my 2 bros.....plain n simple.....

and with all of that BS comes more.....i got my car taken away and the insurance! cuz my sister caught me using her id for the 2 tickets i got recently....which i know is my fuck up! i got my own DL taken away for failure to appear and shit and i just kept laggin it and thut about nothing more then just having fun fun fun....but im slowly learnin....and with the whole no car delimma i've saved alot of money and been doin my part at home with cleanin and shit..more so then before....im able to use the car work work n thats all...whick is cool with me and i ask to use it for anything else and make sure im home wen i say i will be.....i lost my independence but its no ones fault but my own and i gotta deal with the consequences.....so now i gotta find my own ins. and ride...which i dont mind at all really....ill be sure with these responsibilities i drive much safer and in the speed limit =D

ever since the whole car deal...been havin so much troubles wid kris and its just soooooo fucked up.... its just hes never there no more he never offers to come by and shit....hes ALWAYS out! and/or high! so when i call him i dont wanna talk about my troubles! cuz hes around pplz and i know he'll get preoccupied and when hes high hes to slow to comprehend wah im sayin yannoes!.....its so gay and been like that since the whole week startin monday! ive been waitin so long to try to talk to him and  yesterday i just blew up cuz i couldnt take it no more there was so much that happend but im not gonna go in full details its way to much so write out....well its not alot but it doesnt need to be known feel me.....and the night before he was out all night and even slept over hes hgs pad wid a few homies cuz they were up til 7 or 8 am gambling and shit then he didnt wake up til 2 and when he called i was just PISSED! cuz hes always out! what bout me!? when is he over gonna have time for me....like fuck im goin thru hell and back while hes out fuckin around? am i trippin? i really dont think so....mayb in someways cuz its all this BS addin up but thats total bs....then after i blow up on him he said hes gonna call me bak after he eats! but thats at 3....he doesnt call back til about 7! so i blow up again like WDF u eat for fucken 3 4 hours?!!? and hes all wdf....y u trippin for...and i tell him hes so consistant with tellin me he'll call me back at a certain time and NEVER DOES! and this weeks it around the time i go to bed or already knocked out for him to call me  back! ACK! so after that i told him ill call him back in::FUCK:: on the phone rah now aruguin wid kris.... BOoOo!

to be cont.....

M.I.A.

iVE BEEN MAD M.i.A.....SO TO ALL OF MY CLOSES HOMiES.....i APOLiGiZE! HONESTLY....DONT THiNK iMMA BUST A RECK AND CHANGE ON UR GUYZ! =D...i DUNNOZ EVERYTHiNGS BEEN GOOD THO.....JUST RECENTLY GOT BAK WID MY EX KRiS FROM LiKE 4 YEARS AGO!! LOLZ...iTS PRETTY iNSANE BUT iM VERY HAPPY iNDEED....SO NOW i GUESS THATS Y i'VE BEEN M.i.A......BEEN iN BP WiD HiM....AND NOW IM ON VACTiON AT HiS PAD FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK....LOL...BUT ANYWHOZ.....iMMA LEAVE iT AT THAT FOR NOW......SO Pz!!!¢¾

DAMN.....WELL BAK FROM THE LONG COUNTINUATION EH? LOL BUT GYEA I DUNNOZ LIFES STILL GREAT.....I REALLY CHOOSE TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF SHIT...NO POINT IN SEEING ALL THE BAD SHIT RAH? BUT GYEA IMMA BEING GETTIN MY BRACES SOON!!! YAY!!! LOL AND IM NOT GETTIN THE TRADITIONAL BRACKETS AND WIRES! NONO AT FIRST THE DOC SAID TO FOR THAT THEN HE CHANGED HES MINE AND SAID INVISALIGN!! YAYUH SO I DONT GOTTA LOOK LIKE A GEEK HAHA SO IM EXCITED TO GET MY GRILL FIXED..ITS NOT BAD BUT YOU KNOW.....U WORK IN A FIELD ALL ABOUT UR SMILE AND IT AINT PERFECT?? GIMME A BREAK! LOLZ AND YOU KNOW ME I LOVE TO SMILE ALL DAY!!  YEPYEP THATS RIGHT....ANYWAYS ENOUGH OF ALL THAT......SHITS BEEN FEELIN A LIL LONELY AROUND HERE......MAYB ITS JUST THE HEAT SO NO ONE WANTS TO GO OUT AND SHIT....OR MAYB JUST ME LOL.....I'VE BEEN STUCK DOIN ME FOR AWHILE....BUT I CANT HELP IT...I GOTTA DO WAH I GOTTA DO.....IT AINT GREAT YANNOES....SUCKS IF ANYTHING....I WANNA CHILL HAVE FUN BUT I GOT SHIT TO HANDLE...I DUNNO ITS WORTH IT I GUESS....CANT COMPLAIN LIKE I SAID TIME AND TIME AGEN....IVE MADE THESE CHOICES IN LIFE AND I GOTTA DEAL WID IT....ALL OF IT...I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE I STILL GOT MY HOMIES...AND OF COURSE MY FAMILY! AND REALLY CONTENT WID ALL OF IT......YEPYEP....I AM.....WELL PEACE OUT FOR NOW.....